As the internal battle continues to rage between my wanting to remain faithful and my attempting to take my physical and mental rest a bit more seriously, I wonder if this is legitimately a necessary struggle. I suspect my battle is more against myself than anything else - me wanting to please everyone and succumbing to expectations to maintain the perceived harmony. When will I learn to take strides towards saying no? It has been baby steps thus far, but baby steps are definitely a step up from nothing. For that, I commend myself. But there is more that needs to be done. I can't continue to be a reluctant fence-sitter, remaining lukewarm and completing tasks halfheartedly while lamenting the lack of personal satisfaction. As much as I desire to give, I realize I can't give out of nothing. And as much as I want to do, I am not being. And I certainly do not identify with lavishness or running on a hamster wheel. So either take my brain away, or take what's in it.