chapters

They stretch on sometimes.
Sometimes the end of one melds into the next one seamlessly,
At others the stark difference shocks.

In any case, chapters are magical.
The stories contained within -
The hopes and dreams, fears and failures.
The sharpening and pruning, the mountains and the valleys.
The learning and growing, the love found and love lost.
Oh the love.
- could never be replaced or replicated.

Who knew that first step of faith 6 years ago
Would be the start of many chapters to come.
Its protagonist - with all the naiveté and wide eyed wonder only a 20 year old could possess -
Thought not but felt her way through.
The last on a list ended up setting the stage for a fascinating chapter.
Beautiful in all its ebbs and flows.
For there is no liberty without death.

With all the emotion one can muster
It is time to start a new chapter.
This time with a bit more wisdom, a bit more capacity to falter and laugh at the same time, and a bit more ability to relinquish control.
And a bit more love. Actually, a lot more love.

Who knows if this turn of the page will be seamless.
It may well be confronting -
But to that, i say cheers to the lessons not yet learned, and to the trials that will teach them. (Thanks Brooke Fraser, you have taught me much)

Adelaide, you have been beyond stellar.
Your people are kind, your roads free, your beaches stunning, your vineyards heavenly, your skies blue, your coffee Avilawesome :)

Sydney, your beckoning call can no longer be ignored.
This chapter will be read, and it will be read well.

4/10/2015

I am first and foremost, loved.

There is no fear in love.

It is more than well with my soul.

A few months ago I was told that I am being launched into a whole new season. I didn't quite grasp the concept of that, and I suppose I've had subtle experiences like these in the past, which caused me to be just that tad bit skeptical. But as I allowed myself to be vulnerable and let faith take the helm, I have found myself being gently surprised by the exhilarating rhythms of grace.

Fast forward 2 months, and I can't even explain how quickly it has all escalated, fell into place, taken shape, brought smiles, and caused mindblows.

He is real, He surprises, He speaks, He reveals, and He is pursuing.

I can't wait for what is to come!

Occassionally, the injustices of this life - both personal and impersonal - are so overwhelming one is afraid to even hope anymore. Questions abound, answers on the other hand, are few and far between.

It is easy to be overcome by cynicism, jadedness, hatred, pain. But that's exactly what the enemy wants. To make us dwell on the darkness. To perpetuate hurt by getting us to dwell on the hurt, after all hurt people hurt people.

As children of the light, we know better. We know not to look at an earthly situation and take it for what it is. It NEVER is what it is, not while kingdom has not yet come. The challenge is in the practice, in training ourselves to act like what we know, and to do what we believe. The battlefield of the mind indeed. However we all at one point or another have been Hosea's Wife - squandering this life whether we realize it or not, running from the purpose and losing focus from the things that matter, inadvertently or otherwise. And sometimes, the distraction is gradual. It is seeping. At other times, it comes in a crashing boom. It comes in the form of loss, of pain, of disappointment, of loneliness, of robbery, of emptiness. Of a raw emotion - the easiest way you are taken advantage of. Emotion.

What is our response? Where do we keep our focus? Do we know? Are we prepared so that we can stand strong and courageous and purposeful and unwavering when it comes?

What are we doing? They know not what they do, but we do.

What are we doing?

Most people think they understand love.

She had to rethink amidst the flood.

History and culture, socialization and education, fears and failures, hopes and dreams, the past and the present, the deep and the wide, all culminate and collide in a big cauldron, the contents of which has merely been skimmed. To each his own - cauldron and choices.

She had to be reminded that all that was available to give was all there was available to give, and it was freely given.

Running was an easy option. Immobility was equally easy. Neither was the solution.

The same yesterday, today and forever, He had always had a vested interest in purifying fires. Pure gold. Water into wine. Beauty for ashes.

Unlearning, learning and relearning; letting go, taking in and giving out.

Forgiveness, forgiveness, forgiveness.

Love that is unfailing, unconditional and infinitely more than the mind can ever comprehend.

She had to grasp.

Beauty for ashes.

Vulnerability, like so many other things in my life currently, is a catch-22.

You just can't win in this crazy world. What are we fighting for?

The storm before the calm... Or the hurricane.

Either way, I am excited. Nothing like a life of peaceful serenity. Or extreme adventure.

As the internal battle continues to rage between my wanting to remain faithful and my attempting to take my physical and mental rest a bit more seriously, I wonder if this is legitimately a necessary struggle. I suspect my battle is more against myself than anything else - me wanting to please everyone and succumbing to expectations to maintain the perceived harmony. When will I learn to take strides towards saying no? It has been baby steps thus far, but baby steps are definitely a step up from nothing. For that, I commend myself. But there is more that needs to be done. I can't continue to be a reluctant fence-sitter, remaining lukewarm and completing tasks halfheartedly while lamenting the lack of personal satisfaction. As much as I desire to give, I realize I can't give out of nothing. And as much as I want to do, I am not being. And I certainly do not identify with lavishness or running on a hamster wheel. So either take my brain away, or take what's in it.

Someone told me the other day I was just beginning to discover myself. I couldn't believe it. I thought I was already a veteran at this stuff - as much growth as I could have achieved in this area already been achieved, and then some (or so I thought).

But you know what? I think she's right...

Where do I go from here?

"But then they danced down the street like dingledodies, and I shambled after as I've been doing all my life after people who interest me, because the only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn, like fabulous yellow roman candles exploding like spiders across the stars and in the middle you see the blue centerlight pop and everybody goes "Awww!""

Fell in love with this passage on the bus, read it a number of times over and made a mental note to jot it down somewhere. Ahh Kerouac, my love affair with you begins right about now.

p/s what's a dingledodie?