I've been experiencing a lack of motivation to write lately, which I find troubling. Today I must write.

We had to come up with a research paper which discusses sociological issues, and our topic was abortion. I very pandai-ly thought we should pick that title since I could just go to Birthright Home and interview the girls there, as opposed to, you know, interviewing drug addicts or prostitutes or alcoholics... What if they bash me up in the middle of a drunken rage then how? hehe. But anyway, turns out that researching this topic wasn't as easy as I thought it was after all.

Before that I asked Ps John for help, cos he knows some girls who have gone for abortion. I never expected a reply, especially because I doubted anyone would want to talk about what hurts so badly. Surprise surprise, I got a response in my inbox today, and I was just reading through it and it stirred up so much emotions in me I suddenly felt like crying.

I think a lot of these girls who go through this horrible experience are just naive. It's not so much ignorance, because nowadays information about the dangers of premarital sex is shoved under their noses everywhere whether they like it or not. But I think many girls are just naive and maybe a little apathetic, thinking it won't happen to them, or maybe choosing not to think that it COULD happen to them. And when they find out they have an unwanted child, their whole world crumbles down.

Many people stand on the sidelines and judge these girls, saying they only want fun without the added responsibility, but I was just thinking about this issue, and I think in many cases, it is in fact their sense of responsibility that actually drives them to abort. For example in the case of this respondent, she feared for her child because she didn't know if she had enough love and strength to raise and nurture the child. She knew her parents would not support her at all, and she was really fearful of how her baby would grow up in an environment of knowing it wasn't wanted. And I think she thought that if she cannot even be a good mother, then she shouldn't make her baby's life miserable by allowing it to live. It was this sense of knowing she had to be responsible for her baby's future that drove her to abort.

I felt so sorry for her because even though I cannot possibly understand what she went through, I have some sort of idea how she must have felt like. It's the whole conflicting emotions thing, knowing you love your baby so much, maybe even more than you love yourself, and yet having to kill it despite, no, BECAUSE of this love.

"I wanted to keep my baby badly. I think of her everynight. I feel awful passing by baby wear shops. I yearn for my baby when I see other babies. I often think about how my baby would have looked like and how pretty she would have been. It haunts me everyday. There are days I wished I could turn back time and kept my baby. She would have been about 4 months old now."

God, I wanted to cry. Especially when I thought about the life that could have been.