There are certain days when I feel that life is one pointless, painful journey culminating in nothingness. I just feel so emotional, not necessarily depressed or suicidal, just, very uneasy. Bothered. Irritated. Pissed. Sad. On days like these I just wish I could let everything go and drive to a remote beach alone to think and destress.

I guess it's because I have too many things on my mind, coupled with all the extra unnecessary emotional stress thrown upon me recently. Rushing to and fro for practices and worrying about the photo exhibition and finals is bad enough, but I also have a hell lot of stuff going on in my personal life lately.

It sucks to feel like that. I hate being emo. I've always prided myself in being happy-go-lucky, in being able to move on and laugh myself silly after crying my heart out, but it's become so painful inside, I don't know how long it will take me to get over this round of waves, if only I had a surfboard! There I was, driving to JJ after church to meet up with siew leng, su wei and anna, and I was just thinking about everything and I just started crying, alone in the car. I feel so unworthy sometimes serving in church, the only thing keeping me going is the assurance of God, knowing that He's there for me, that He loves me, that He sees me worthy, and if He's called me then He's gonna make things work out for me.

I think I'm so emotional right now, every single little thing gets me worked up. It gets me worried for nothing. Like just now as I was talking and catching up with the three wonderful friends I have, talking about the future and how all three of them are going off overseas to realise their dreams, I just realised that I really don't know if MY dreams will come to past. If I will get the chance to go overseas, because the only way I'll get to go is if God grants me another scholarship. And I was listening to their stories about how great things are on their side, in terms of college and all, and how they really never have to worry about money because their scholarship covers everything, and I started comparing myself again, which is the worst thing anyone can do. It got me all worked up again because I really am NOT happy where I'm studying. I thank God for the friends I've made, especially for Jane and Jess cos I don't think I could possibly survive without them, but going to college everyday is a real burden, mainly because I really cannot stand the absolute lack of commitment and dedication from some of the lecturers, plus the fact that there is a lack of people there who can actually help me to learn, to grow, people who can be good influences in my life. It's just so depressing to be constantly surrounded by people whose only concern is which bar to party at that night.

College is not the main issue here, it's the hurt inside. I know I have people around me I can always turn to, people like Kim and Siyan and Sherrene, but sometimes it's so tiring just to talk about it that I'd rather go up to my room and fall asleep crying and praying. And think about the word from God that Sam had for me.

Assurance.

I need truckloads of it right now. I'm such a mess. God.

In the quiet, in the stillness
I know that You are God
In the secret of Your presence
I know there I am restored

When You call I won’t refuse
Each new day again I’ll choose

There is no one else for me
None but Jesus
Crucified to set me free
Now I live to bring Him praise

In the chaos, in confusion
I know You’re Sovereign still
In the moment of my weakness
You give me grace to do Your will

When You call I won’t delay
This my song through all my days

All my delight is in You Lord
All of my hope, all of my strength
All my delight is in You Lord Forevermore