Yesterday at cell group we watched this short 10 minute thingy on silence. I wouldn't really call it a video, it was more like a string of thought provoking questions flashed out on screen with absolutely no sound. 10 minutes of complete silence. wahhh.

But it was very powerful. We had a discussion later on how our lives are constantly filled with noise, whether from the radio or tv or mp3 player, or whether it's just non-stop talking. It would feel so weird to just sit for 10 minutes doing NOTHING, in complete silence. We're sometimes so bogged down with the noise that we do not learn to listen to God in the silence anymore. And come to think of it, it is usually in the silence that God speaks, not an audible booming voice, but just a still small urge, or a gentle prodding to do something, or even a sudden peace that floods the spirit. It's quite ironic how we often expect the term "listen to God" to mean a literal, audible voice, when we know that that's not very likely to happen. Growing up I've always expected to really hear God's voice, as in talking to a real person and hearing Him talk back. And I'd become disappointed when that didn't happen. I'd question myself if I was truly "Christian" enough, and if I was, why wasn't I hearing God?

And then i came to realise that there was a difference between hearing and listening. We LISTEN to God, but we don't always HEAR His voice. The question is, do we know when God is actually speaking to us? That's where the whole silence thingy comes in. We're always so busy running around doing things, and when we're not, most of the time we're watching tv or online or having music blasting in our ears. When are we actually silent? Just to take a breather. Just to listen if God is speaking. Just to let the peace and calmness quiet our souls.

I realize I used to do that often before I dozed off to sleep every night. I think a lot, about stuff that happens, about my day and how to sort of improve on what went wrong (so to speak). But lately I've been having less and less of these quiet moments. Because I've been busy, not only with college and absolutely unnecessary assignments (like this paper about typography), but also with lots of social events and work. And also because I've been watching heroes till 3am most nights. But that's gonna end soon la. hehe. Lately I haven't been silent at all, to hear God speak, or just to reflect on my day.

Which reminds me of something that's been on my heart for quite some time. I never thought it was important enough to write about, but now that I'm on this topic and I'm inspired, I think I should.

I'm actually a quiet person who cherishes time alone. I mean I love hanging out with friends, and making noise, and laughing, but many times I come home feeling very drained. I don't know how to explain it. I guess it's not really feeling drained la, not physically tired or whatever, but just, wanting to have time alone. I cherish the moments I can spend with a book (because lately I really haven't had the time to read) or the moments I spend sitting at the foot of my bed thinking and talking to God intermittently while peeling my fingernails (yuh, I know. I need to stop!) Just to do nothing and take a breather. I think moments alone are the best time of our lives. We actually learn more about ourselves instead of constantly knowing about other people's business. Like I've always thought it was really cool to travel alone. It's wonderful to have company, but being alone just gives you time to do whatever you want, take however long you want, and absorb more because you take time to see instead of talking and worrying about how to accommodate each other. I think I shall save up money and travel alone la. Sudden epiphany I had there. haha.

Kim was saying how there's this type of personality that's actually introverted, but they tend to draw their energy from other people when they're together, and I think I'm like that. Energy suckers, she said. hehe. I can be noisy and loud around others, and I can talk a lot when I'm with close friends and people I'm comfortable with, but most of the time when I'm not talked to I don't talk. I realize that when having conversations I'm often the listener and not the talker. I tend to listen more and ask questions rather than reveal myself. But I enjoy that, listening and getting to know others more.

There are moments when I'm quiet and someone would go :"suling why you so quiet? You ok ah?" Which is quite weird because it doesn't mean that just because I'm happy I have to talk a lot. Yeah I know, I'm guilty of asking other people the same thing sometimes, but I think we need to learn to see that being quiet doesn't mean there's something wrong. It just means you're tired of talking and you just want to be quiet and listen. Lately I've been getting the feeling that talking is very fun, but really unnecessary. Most of the time we talk rubbish anyway. Nothing particularly important. But then again, we need entertainment, so it's always good to have people around who talk a lot of nonsense and make you laugh. I thank God for people like that.

I'm glad today is a Saturday. I've been out every single night this week. I DIDN'T EVEN HAVE MY THAIPUSAM DAY OFF!!! :( And now that I'm teaching I'm talking more than ever. Teaching is so tiring la. I'm so tired of opening my mouth and constantly telling them to be quiet and listen. Now I understand how teachers feel. There's nothing more irritating than to hear students talking when I'm talking. I tend to raise my voice to drown out the murmurs and to make myself even more audible even though I already am. ugh. I am NOT cut out for teaching. I don't think I'm patient enough. But the pay adds to my wallet. So what the heck right.

I came home early from GYLO today just to chillout la. I need to breathe!