I am sometimes amazed at how innocent i am and how unschooled i am in the ways of this world.

So I was reading old news again yesterday night and i read about Robert Raynier (i think that's his name, im not good at remembering details heh) and there was this list about his reads. And I was quite excited to find that he reads books that i've either read or want to read. Tolstoy and catch 22 and others. Not easy to find famous people with the same reading list as me cos they always read really obscure titles and arthouse books and all that. So he was talking about what awesome works the great gatsby and to kill a mockingbird is. Now I've read these two titles and I've never gotten what people see in them, or rather why they're considered great books of the 20th century. I remember Vanessa mentioning in her blog once that she could read mockingbird over and over again. Me? I struggled to finish it. And really, I just didn't get WHY it was apparently such a great story.

I think I read for pleasure, which means i would rather read very easy-to-understand stuff with unputdownable plots, whether or not it stimulates my mind and contribute to me as an individual. Which is why I stayed up till 5am to read twilight. Do you see me doing that for to kill a mockingbird or gatsby? NOOOooo. Which is really not how someone who professes to love literature should behave.

This little incident made me think. What am I really passionate about? Well actually it's been on my mind a lot these days. I just never had the motivation to put my thoughts down in words.

I mean, I love a lot of things, mainly anything artsy fartsy. I love plays and music and film and photography and dance and literature and art exhibitions and all. In fact I think i would be incomplete without all of that. But I am seriously not passionate enough about anything to be willing to invest time and energy to hone my skills and knowledge. I love books, but I don't have the patience to pore through serious stuff nor do I feel enlightened or awed after reading "great works". Honestly, I feel that i'm sometimes just shallow. Not in a bimbotic way, just not knowledgable enough about anything. My guitar is...somewhere in the house collecting dust and I don't even touch my piano anymore unless i have to figure out chords for a song. I love the drums the most and I play fairly well, but I have absolutely no desire to learn the technicalities. How many inches the ride is la, what brand of cymbals sound the best la, what tone is the toms la, how many degrees you should hit the snare at la, yadamajinggalah!

I wanted to be really good at photography once but I didn't bother to go read up on the technical side of it either. Thus all I do is compose the picture nicely while someone else always sets the settings for me. I really wanted to take up dance last year but i just didn't have the time, and I cannot draw to save my own life. This one, ehehe i think got no cure la. I just betul betul cannot draw.

I could go on and on about how I love these things but never bother to learn more about it. Thus I'm a jill of all trades and master of none. And that sucks pretty bad because I always feel so unknowledgable and unschooled, and that I have no right to claim i love something if i don't bother to invest time and energy in it.

Which is why I absolutely admire artsy fartsy people because they're willing to sacrifice for their passion and the betterment of it. Most of all, i admire them becuase they have PASSION. I feel very very shallow sometimes talking to my artsy friends. And I can't even explain my lack of motivation. I mean, if you truly like something, whether or not it's real fiery, burning passion, wouldn't you want to learn more about it anyway? I befuddle myself, really.

I don't even know if this post will spur me on to do SOMETHING. Probably not. But I was really enlightened yesterday night and I think I might want to change my course in uni. I've always wanted to do journalism, but now I think I want to do something more along the academic path, like international relations or english literature, at least something that will make me read up on things and be knowledgable about something. Mass comm is great, but I guess you can just pick it up along the way as you work and get involved in different things eventually. But knowledge is hard to come by. It requires time and effort and a desire to learn. And knowing me, I wouldn't be motivated enough to self-learn anything if I didn't have a need to. So thats why I'm really considering the uni thing.

I NEED to be passionate about something. I'm so... blah!