PFFFFTTTTT.

I just came back from Friday Night Church, something that I almost never look forward to when I'm scheduled on, but always come home from refreshed, renewed and so so blessed. (I never learn, apparently)

Today was the same. I was snuggled in bed, one of the rare days I had all to myself, and come 4.30 I whined... "oh Godddd do I really need to go tonight?" Halfheartedly I plucked myself away from my book, got ready and headed off just in time to be late.

What an incredible Friday it was. Ps A had just come back from India and Cambodia, and he was sharing stories about how little the kids have but how much they loved God and the people around them. And then Casey got up and shared come giving time about how 2 dollars can change the world. literally. If everyone actually made the effort. And I was just bowled over again about how impactful selfless giving is. I mean, these are things I've known since I was a young girl and these are passions God has put in my heart - to care for the needy and to be conscious of how I can make a difference, and to be aware of how incredibly blessed we are in this part of the world. And tonight I was reminded again not to ever let that conscious thought get drowned out by my selfish desires and whims.

And then I come home to an email I was both hopeful to receive and dreading at the same time. And I just felt my heart sink. My hopes and dreams, something that I've so badly wanted for the past few months, something I've been praying so hard for and shed buckets of tears for and fought with my parents about - has culminated in this: nothingness. Square one.

I've sort of already anticipated it, tried to prepare myself for this eventuality. I wanted to have faith so badly, but truthfully, I didn't know whether that was part of God's plan for my life. It was 50-50 after all, to start off with. So I told myself come what may, be thankful and move on. But they always say the real thing is nothing quite like what you prepared for. And once again, this rang true.

It is quite devastating really. I feel like giving up altogether on the goals I've set in life, and just surrendering to a que sera sera attitude. A million thoughts and a deep whine is forming in me about how unfair life (and God) is, but I suppose the message I heard tonight, I heard for a reason. I am such a blessed child. I have everything I need and more. There are people across the world who would give anything to enjoy the same comforts I do. Yet I want more. More to satisfy my earthly desires. More so that I can enjoy and have fun. When will I learn to be completely thankful for the position that I'm currently in and to count my blessings?

SO disappointed in you at the moment, truth be told. Not that you didn't know. This whole drama was so unnecessary. I suppose it added to the fabric of my life and the stories I will live to tell, but seriously? What the heck for?! I will be ok. I just needed to vent. And to indulge in some self-pity. I know you know what's best, so I surrender.

You know what's best.