A Thanksgiving Prayer & a powerful reminder

Dear Lord, I couldn't move into another year without apologizing for the things I should've said earlier and didn't, and acknowledge the times I could've done better but didn't. Thanks for moving me while I grumbled about the changes you made. And thanks for the things you steered me past that could've tripped up my destiny. Thanks for the mountains you sent to give me a place to exercise my faith. I'm sorry I was so worried about who left me that I failed to thank you for who you let stay and I didn't even thank you that I am still here. You exposed me beyond my limitations, forced me to grow beyond my stagnation, and moved me from procrastination to a firm dedication to what is ahead! In spite of the blistering cold around me, I am warmed by your presence, kept by your grace, empowered by your faith in me, and strengthened by your patience. I want to thank you that I have known love, tasted laughter and have not had to live life without a touch. As the year closes, leaves change, temperatures plummet, birds migrate south and the freeze matriculates north, I too am now prepared. I have packed what I needed, discarded what restricted me, recycled what I could, and at last in the true spirit of Thanksgiving, I thank you God, I too, am finally ready to move on. Amen.

-T D Jakes

So what if obedience and sacrifice are one and the same?

Attempting to climb coconut trees in Malacca. Learning to use the word 'bastard' from my cousin. Bicycle rides around the village with her. Watermelon patch. Falling into the drain and being hosed off by mama while crying my heart out. Being scratched on the forehead by ah mei. Being a kid-bitch. Assuming the role of noise-police in class so I was hated by classmates. Calling then-bestie over the phone everyday to ensure I didn't get any math answers wrong so as to avoid being caned. Erecting a 'memorial' with the neighbourhood kids in honour of a dead actress. Pou pou the daschund. Being jealous of Grace in kindy. Swimming lessons with the cell group kids and Mr Bikini. Straight-A student who's possibly the most un-streetsmart kid around. Sadness. Emotional pain. Screaming because I wasn't allowed to watch tv. That time when my mom read my diary and I lost it. Walls put up. That time when papa scolded me, the only time he ever has in his life. Fighting with ah mei every Sat morning. Feeling like shit because I wasn't as manually dexterous as some of the other girls in Rangers. Breaking down due to massive expectations and responsibilities in 'ministry'. Generally happy but always striving to become something else. Speeding away in that white kancil. One-liners over the phone. Hurt. Disillusionment. Prophecies. Beauty for ashes. Contagious joy. ENFP/J. Always feeling like there's more. Discontented. Never feeling like I fit in. Keeping busy to appear busy. Running. Always running. Respite in Pappa Rich nasi lemak with Kim. Drives in her car. Talks. For hours. Praying together. Tears. Lots of tears. Dreams. Brooke Fraser. Drums. Always wishing I could play better. Always wanting to live on a beach. Listening. Peace-making. Melbourne. Airplane with Anna. Talks that brought a bunch of friends together. The sixers. Burnt out weekends. Hamster on a wheel. No space to breathe. Dance. Wishing I danced more. Clutter. Lots and lots and lots of clutter like you wouldn't believe. Responsibility. Seriousness. "Holiness". No snakes. Coming to love my sister so much that each time I think of us I want to cry. Joy at seeing her growing into her own person though she is so much like me. Responsibility. Money. Independence. Envy. Restlessness. Movies. Hangouts with Ivan. Talks with Bawanie and Kim. Siyan staying over. Lunch with Ian and Siyan. Remembering Ian and the way his life was cut short. Miracles. Praying for a miracle. Running all over town in search of a miracle. Hoping. Desperate cries. Insecurity. That time I had dinner with a bunch of cool people. Boy talks. Chicken pox and Linkin Park. My first email account. Neopets. Internship. Teaching kids at the tuition centre. Hating school with a passion. Indoctrination. Syarahan. Story-telling. Skinny as hell. Eventually coming to belong in youth. Learning to love myself and know that I'm beautiful. That attempt to talk in the car and vowing I'll never tell her anything again simply because of the way she responded. Hurt. Hurt so deep I became numb to it. Putting on a show. Short skirts. Covering up. So many chains that bind. Grey's Anatomy and 24 with the sister. Comforting her in the car after the poor kid was yelled at during Christmas. Having to grow up. Christmas joys and eye-rollings. Walls. Emails. Zoo with the family. Chinese New Year movies. That time we left koko at home because he was late. Rice on floor that chap goh mei. Orange plastic plates. Boat trips to Pulau Ketam every chap goh mei. Papa horsing around with ah mei. ah mei and her wah lai toi shows.... This is going to take me forever if I go on...

I don't know why, but at some point this afternoon, I just stopped to think about my journey so far. Having lived 21 years, I'd like to think I'm so young and I've got a wealth of experiences to go through before I finally retire, old and wrinkled and surrounded by the people whom I love/love me. But I also realized, at some point this afternoon, that I've been toying with the idea that I've grown up up too fast. I can't deny it. I had to grow up too fast. I had to build walls around my heart. I had to block some people out. Maybe it was choice, maybe I didn't have to. But still. The fact is, my heart is flippin fortified. I felt this constant need to live up to other people's labels and expectations of me as a person. I suppose I'm naturally good at leading, but these expectations made me feel like I HAD to do things I didn't want to. Just looking back at all my experiences, heck, that was a hell lot for a child to handle. I mean, it wasn't all bad. There were a whole lot of wonderful experiences thrown into the mix. But you know how we tend to remember the pain better. I'm getting all emotional just reliving those experiences again, and I don't know if I wish it was different. Maybe I'm a better person because of all the pain. Maybe I'm more empathetic because of all my hurt. Maybe I'm more long-suffering due to my *insert swear word here* Chinese-school education. And I actually think I am. I am the sum of all my experiences.

Someone once told me God is giving me beauty for ashes. My two years in Adelaide is slowly bringing that word to life. I can't thank God enough for bringing me here. It's been one heck of a bittersweet journey, more valleys than mountaintops, but oh my god. Just the growth I've experienced. The change. The new things. The stripping away of things that bind. The growing into intimacy with Christ. The stripping away of religion. The learning to be vulnerable again. The learning to be real. The rest. The freedom. GOD, the freedom. TRUE freedom, not just from doing things, but in life and relationships. I wouldn't trade these things for the most incredible mountaintop experinces in the world (real or metaphorical). And sometimes I have to remind myself of that.

I've got so much more learning and growing and experiencing to do. But at this point, I'm just restful. Partly because I'm done with uni for the year, partly because my current situation of waiting is causing me to have to purge emotionally, partly because I'm just thankful. For the wealth of emotions and experiences that God has given me. Heck yeah it's crap while you go through the refining fire. But once you cross over and start looking back, you realize you wouldn't really have had it another way.

So thank you God. I realize I'm such a whiny kid sometimes when I can't bring myself to expand my vision, but today is one of those days I'm expanding it. So thank you. You are amazing. <3

Wow. Totally just had one of those incredibly epic nights you never plan for/expect.

The two cross-continent Skype chats I just had was bittersweet. On the one hand, I loved every second of chatting with these two girls who will without a doubt become lifelong friends, and I loved to hear all the exciting stuff that's happening in their lives. It made me happy to hear their stories and blessed to know they loved me enough to tell me, and that is such a joy - friendships that transcend time and location.

But on the other hand, it brought a bout of self-pity I have not experienced in quite some time, and tonight I faced those demons again. I have to remind myself that I am incredibly blessed in so many ways, and I should never EVER compare myself to anyone else. Who are we to dictate what's true happiness or not anyway. In every experience, in every situation and circumstance, there's a lesson to be learnt and a memory to cherish. And even though so far things haven't turned out the way I idealistically expected them to while all seems to be rosy for my girls, it's not fair on me if I allow envy to take over. Because I know that everyday I am being shaped and molded into all that I can be through all the persevering I'm doing. So to wallow and whine is to NOT celebrate the greatness that is to come. And that is unfortunate. And so I run and keep running, knowing that all things will work out for the good of those who trust Him.

Just a conflicting mix of emotions that I needed to get out there. Times like these, I thank God I have this space to vent.

Also thinking of you, bestie, and praying for your family.

Also thinking of you, Mr bicycle, and your interesting development.

‎"For the agony, I'd rather know. 'Cause blinded I am blindsided."

But I know that's not the way He rolls. And so I wait.

Must make a mention here of how much I love Bon Iver. And how much I absolutely adore the song Blindsided! For more reasons than one.