Heartbreak is when

I get on the bus on a public holiday, which explains why I'm the only other person on it. I pick a seat facing the rear, which I almost never do because not all buses have seats facing the rear, so it really was a special bus that day. It's nice and quiet. I close my eyes, letting myself drift either into sleep or into silent communication with God.

A few stops after mine, a little boy bounces into the bus, followed by his mother - a punkish, too-young-to-be-a-mom 19ish-year-old. The little boy goes all the way to the back, while his mother picks a seat just in front of him, barely turning to see if he's comfortable or if he needs anything.

Little boy busies himself with his toy car and talking gibberish to himself. Sometimes he catches my eye, and I smile at him. He then proceeds to examine me with curiosity, and goes back to his toy car.

After a while, his cherubic little face starts to bore me and I retreat back into my mind.

Suddenly he goes: "Mommy, why does daddy live so far away?"

Mom doesn't reply, or she says something I can't quite remember to dodge the question. She barely turns to answer him. He doesn't look too convinced but lets it rest anyway.

A couple of minutes later, the little boy goes: "Mommy, can daddy come and live with us?"

Again, mom skirts around the question, mumbling something to appease him. He goes: "HUH? WHAT?" This time, mom replies, louder, irritated, angsty.

My curiosity is piqued. I tune my eyes and ears, all the while feeling my heart beating faster. I'm kepoh like that.

Things are quiet for a while. Little boy busies himself with his car, and I think i hear mom sniffle. Out of the corner of my eye I see her wiping her cheeks. Tears weren't visible from where I was sitting, but who knows.

Then little boy goes: "Mommy can I buy that shirt for daddy?" (or something along those lines)

"No, you've got to ask him yourself. I've got no money."

You could see the dejection in little boy's eyes as he turned to look out the window.

I say a silent prayer for him, asking God to protect him and love him. It was odd, I was just thinking to myself how gangster-ish he looked. Not that he was mischievous mind you, he was really a sweet little thing. But I saw that hint of a rebellious, angry streak in his angelic little face, and I couldn't help picturing what would become of him in 15 years' time.

Anyway, a couple of minutes later, little boy goes: "But mommy, I want daddy to come live with us! I want daddy to live with us!"

He is ignored by mom as she continues staring out the window. He repeats his request, this time louder, almost pleading.

Mom retorts suddenly: "He can't, ok?"

"Why?"

"HE JUST CAN'T!"

Little boy sprawls himself out over the bus seats. After a while mom goes: "What are you doing?"

"I'm trying to sleep," and he bangs his feet against the bus windows.

I continued praying silently for mom and boy as I got off the bus. I can't quite get this episode out of my mind still. Children not only feel love, but also a LACK of which, and it's so sad that at such a young age, little boy has to live in an environment where his parents are absorbed in their own problems and barely bother to even talk to him. I can only pray this will not affect his future. Imagine growing up feeling completely alone, not really understanding what's going on between your parents, and largely left to fend for yourself. Love is such a powerful, essential feeling, it's life-ruining to live without it!

Sad as it may seem, little boy is but a statistic. His story is an incredibly worrying trend as more and more young people engage in pre-marital sex without considering the consequences. And when they inadvertently create babies, whom they think add to their problems, they can't find the ability or capacity to love. And the young ones grow up with a chip on their shoulder, appearing strong and stoic on the outside but really a wreck on the inside, not really knowing what love is and navigating life with hatred and anger.

It is so heartbreaking. I pray they find Jesus! Especially my little boy on the bus. He deserves so much better. sigh.

It's amazing how a short time of chilling with people you're completely comfortable with just makes your day heaps brighter and reminds you of being home. Now all I'm looking forward to is tomato noodles topped with heaps of laughter tomorrow, and DJ Hero spun with more laughter on Monday =D =D =D

I've been wanting to write about this ever since I excitedly exclaimed to my fellow hikers at Morialta Falls the other day when I caught sight of a rainbow at the bottom of the waterfall as the sun split the water droplets into this ethereal belt of seven colours just above the pond. You often see rainbows in the sky, but how many at the bottom of a waterfall? It wasn't only an amazing sight, but one that was truly unique.

I couldn't help being reminded of God's promises and how He WILL take care of everything like He said He would. I wanted to believe it was a profound moment, but all it was, was a gentle, peaceful reminder from up above which I continue to hold dear, and which I know I can reflect upon when all seems bleak.

I sometimes wonder whether there's an easier way of doing life. Me now is not the me I expected I would be just 2 months ago. I had all these grandiose ideas of coming to dreamland and being truly contented, and hitting the beach like there was no tomorrow, and making friends which will remain for life, and having loads of time to read all the books I brought along with me, and spending more time in His presence, and even, lol, even playing Debussy on the piano, which is why I carted along the music scores I have yet to touch since I got here.

I want to rant sometimes. Why is it that this life never offers respite! Can't there be peace and quiet and nothing to do for once?! But then again when you stop to think, it's all about superior time management and character-shaping and looking past the impending deadlines into greater things God has in store and learning to find joy in the process. And as time passes on you come to realize deadlines are overrated. And so are footnotes.

All that matters is the rainbow at the bottom of the waterfall. And eternity (on a magic carpet)

Go away, Mandarin spammers! Sheesh.

Stopping to smell the roses isn't as easy as it sounds, at least not to me. It takes considerable effort to count your blessings, to revel in the moment, to really live each day like there's no tomorrow. And to thank Him everyday, even if it's a Tuesday, even if the sun depressingly sets at 6pm, even if the shoes are wet from sloshing around in street water.

I can't believe I'm striving to smell the roses, when months ago it was all I ever wanted. Puts things in perspective, doesn't it? Between reality and fiction. Between having and hoping. If anything, this just reminds me that nothing on earth can ever satisfy. All we will want is more. More money, more free time, more books, more knowledge, more hours in a day, more fun, more laughter. But when all is said and done, when we finally rest our heads on our pillows at night, all that lingers is dissatisfaction at everything more, and an incredible anticipation for eternity.

Escapism?

But we are not long here. Our time is but a breath, so we better breathe it!