I think I have to exercise more self control.

I was supposed to come online ONLY to google the 9 points of Vision 2020, and whatever fathers the prime ministers are called, since, as is the norm with KDU's lecturers, he didn't provide us with the notes he said would be everything we need for the exam.

But look where coming online landed me.

Anyway, I really want to blog about this story cos the whole evening I'd burst out in random fits of silent giggling whenever I thought about it.

So me and Jess were waiting outside the staffroom for Jane and Ruki, and we started looking at the random notices pasted up on the notice board. So we saw this list of students barred for the exam. Basically they didn't pay up, that's why. Jess started scanning the amount they owed the college, 5000+, nothing unusual lah. Until we got to the LAST name on the list. Guess how much s/he owed the college?

RM 1.60

HAHAHAHHAHAHAhahahhahah Duuuuuuuuuuuuuuuude!

RM 1.60!! Being barred for THAT?!! I mean, 1.60 is just enough to buy tehoais at yu yiee, and the college is barring him cos he owes them tehoais??! They must be damn thirsty from all their excessive talk with no action! hahaha...

I think this is one of those random laughing matters that never seem to wear off on me. I was laughing at it with Jess in the afternoon, then again when she told Jane over lunch, then when I suddenly thought of it when I was about to take a nap, then when I thought I should immortalize this story in cyberspace, then after dinner when I was pouring water, and now I'm still laughing about it.

Ok maybe it's just me la, but who cares. It's so uber funny to me! Now I have to memorize vision 2020, which is not funny at all thankyouverymuchbyebye.

I don't believe it.

The kids next sem might get Bernice Chauly as their photography lecturer. BERNICE CHAULY! Wth!!

Why didn't they get her to teach one semester earlier?! It would have saved me all the misery of sitting in his class watching him babble nonsense and ask unanswered questions! Jeez.

But then again, I have happier stuff to focus on. I can't wait for the internship. Wooohoooooooo!!

A big thank you to each and everyone who smsed/called/left messages in my cbox. You guys are the best! Love you all! And I really appreciate your concern =)

But I'm fine, really. I realize it's a phase, so I'm just taking it one day at a time, and trusting in God with all my heart. I feel a lot better though, knowing I'm loved. weeeeeee!! ;p

Anyway, we had this photo exhibition yesterday at college, which I'm SO glad is over and done with. It was AWESOME though, you should have seen the colours and deco, it was so nice! I'll let the pics do the talking.












This booth is one of my favourites. The deco is so uber nice! They had really cool lighting and plush cushions and little teddy bears all around, I guess it was so comfortable one visiting photographer took the opportunity to SLEEP there!



And THIS, ladies and gentlemen, is OUR booth.



No prizes for guessing what our theme was. My guitar is there on display in case you still cannot figure out...



I LOVE the winding keyboard, cos I did it mahh, hehe. These pictures don't really do justice to how nice our booth looked. It was really cool la in my opinion, especially cos we took so much time to get the wires right and put the pics up. The dumb wires didn't wanna cooperate ok. Took MOUNTAINS of celophane tape and loads of screaming from Jess to finally get it to stay put. XD

Edeline and I climbed up on bars to put up the cloth and cds. My feet and palms were sweating like crazy cos I was soooo scared I was gonna fall. Thank God we didn't!



My group mates





Does anything here look familiar?? Eheemmm... ;p


My three pictures...


Christmas coming mahhhh... XD


So sayang laa the exhibition one day only. I always get this sayang feeling after putting so much effort into something and then having to dismantle it. Everytime Rangers camp/anniversary also like that. Aiseh. Anyways it was good fun decorating and everything la, despite stressing out before that. Let's see what the kids come up with next semester =)

There are certain days when I feel that life is one pointless, painful journey culminating in nothingness. I just feel so emotional, not necessarily depressed or suicidal, just, very uneasy. Bothered. Irritated. Pissed. Sad. On days like these I just wish I could let everything go and drive to a remote beach alone to think and destress.

I guess it's because I have too many things on my mind, coupled with all the extra unnecessary emotional stress thrown upon me recently. Rushing to and fro for practices and worrying about the photo exhibition and finals is bad enough, but I also have a hell lot of stuff going on in my personal life lately.

It sucks to feel like that. I hate being emo. I've always prided myself in being happy-go-lucky, in being able to move on and laugh myself silly after crying my heart out, but it's become so painful inside, I don't know how long it will take me to get over this round of waves, if only I had a surfboard! There I was, driving to JJ after church to meet up with siew leng, su wei and anna, and I was just thinking about everything and I just started crying, alone in the car. I feel so unworthy sometimes serving in church, the only thing keeping me going is the assurance of God, knowing that He's there for me, that He loves me, that He sees me worthy, and if He's called me then He's gonna make things work out for me.

I think I'm so emotional right now, every single little thing gets me worked up. It gets me worried for nothing. Like just now as I was talking and catching up with the three wonderful friends I have, talking about the future and how all three of them are going off overseas to realise their dreams, I just realised that I really don't know if MY dreams will come to past. If I will get the chance to go overseas, because the only way I'll get to go is if God grants me another scholarship. And I was listening to their stories about how great things are on their side, in terms of college and all, and how they really never have to worry about money because their scholarship covers everything, and I started comparing myself again, which is the worst thing anyone can do. It got me all worked up again because I really am NOT happy where I'm studying. I thank God for the friends I've made, especially for Jane and Jess cos I don't think I could possibly survive without them, but going to college everyday is a real burden, mainly because I really cannot stand the absolute lack of commitment and dedication from some of the lecturers, plus the fact that there is a lack of people there who can actually help me to learn, to grow, people who can be good influences in my life. It's just so depressing to be constantly surrounded by people whose only concern is which bar to party at that night.

College is not the main issue here, it's the hurt inside. I know I have people around me I can always turn to, people like Kim and Siyan and Sherrene, but sometimes it's so tiring just to talk about it that I'd rather go up to my room and fall asleep crying and praying. And think about the word from God that Sam had for me.

Assurance.

I need truckloads of it right now. I'm such a mess. God.

In the quiet, in the stillness
I know that You are God
In the secret of Your presence
I know there I am restored

When You call I won’t refuse
Each new day again I’ll choose

There is no one else for me
None but Jesus
Crucified to set me free
Now I live to bring Him praise

In the chaos, in confusion
I know You’re Sovereign still
In the moment of my weakness
You give me grace to do Your will

When You call I won’t delay
This my song through all my days

All my delight is in You Lord
All of my hope, all of my strength
All my delight is in You Lord Forevermore

,



There.

My very first summons of my life. I feel ecstatic. This is truly historic. I have half a mind to frame this priceless piece of paper up and hang it in my room, and tell my grandkids stories about it 70 years from now.

Baaaaaaaaabiiiiii.

100 bucks summore ok. Hopefully if I flirt with the stupid fella in charge then can reduce till 50 lah, maybe 30 if I buy him kopi?

KDU is a real shitty place I tell you. Where you expect thousands of students to park when there are only 100 or so parking spaces in and around the college? For goodness sake, build a parking lot in mid air then. Sheesh.

And what makes me wanna scream is I normally park at my friend's house, but it's quite far away and I'm usually out of breath when I reach college, so Jess convinced me to park nearer to college cos she always parks there and nothing happens. And it JUST SO HAPPENS that on my FIRST day of choosing to park there, they have to saman me. There's a phrase for this predicament isn't there? The rule of irony or the theory of first time unlucky or whatever. Some English professor should come up with a new saying for these kinds of happenings if there isn't one already.

A real crappy day I had. From the saman to the whole walking in and out of Atria getting my feet soaked in dirty grimy water from the road trying to pay parking cos the dumb machine didn't wanna read my ticket, all that and KFC Meltz isn't even half as nice as I expected it to be, to the DOWNPOUR on the way home to negotiating with my mom to let me drive to USJ tomorrow again cos she changed her mind about letting me drive, and now having conflicting thoughts about whether I should tell my dad about the saman and having to feel damn guilty cos he'll insist on paying for it, or whether I should just use google earth to find out where the hell Jalan Yong Shook Lin, 46675 PJ is and just drive there with Jess on Fri to pay it. The road even RHYMES with my name heck it!

Arrrghhh!




At least looking at these two pictures make me feel better.

I've been experiencing a lack of motivation to write lately, which I find troubling. Today I must write.

We had to come up with a research paper which discusses sociological issues, and our topic was abortion. I very pandai-ly thought we should pick that title since I could just go to Birthright Home and interview the girls there, as opposed to, you know, interviewing drug addicts or prostitutes or alcoholics... What if they bash me up in the middle of a drunken rage then how? hehe. But anyway, turns out that researching this topic wasn't as easy as I thought it was after all.

Before that I asked Ps John for help, cos he knows some girls who have gone for abortion. I never expected a reply, especially because I doubted anyone would want to talk about what hurts so badly. Surprise surprise, I got a response in my inbox today, and I was just reading through it and it stirred up so much emotions in me I suddenly felt like crying.

I think a lot of these girls who go through this horrible experience are just naive. It's not so much ignorance, because nowadays information about the dangers of premarital sex is shoved under their noses everywhere whether they like it or not. But I think many girls are just naive and maybe a little apathetic, thinking it won't happen to them, or maybe choosing not to think that it COULD happen to them. And when they find out they have an unwanted child, their whole world crumbles down.

Many people stand on the sidelines and judge these girls, saying they only want fun without the added responsibility, but I was just thinking about this issue, and I think in many cases, it is in fact their sense of responsibility that actually drives them to abort. For example in the case of this respondent, she feared for her child because she didn't know if she had enough love and strength to raise and nurture the child. She knew her parents would not support her at all, and she was really fearful of how her baby would grow up in an environment of knowing it wasn't wanted. And I think she thought that if she cannot even be a good mother, then she shouldn't make her baby's life miserable by allowing it to live. It was this sense of knowing she had to be responsible for her baby's future that drove her to abort.

I felt so sorry for her because even though I cannot possibly understand what she went through, I have some sort of idea how she must have felt like. It's the whole conflicting emotions thing, knowing you love your baby so much, maybe even more than you love yourself, and yet having to kill it despite, no, BECAUSE of this love.

"I wanted to keep my baby badly. I think of her everynight. I feel awful passing by baby wear shops. I yearn for my baby when I see other babies. I often think about how my baby would have looked like and how pretty she would have been. It haunts me everyday. There are days I wished I could turn back time and kept my baby. She would have been about 4 months old now."

God, I wanted to cry. Especially when I thought about the life that could have been.